ABC-123 I Can’t! He Can! I think I’ll let him!
My name is Lucky and I am a recovered Alcoholic. I got Sober in Phoenix, AZ. The Phoenix from the Ashes… And have since made my Home in Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco Mexico. Alcohol is my drug of choice and that would be on account of availability. I have a sponsor and I am a Sponsor. I’ve been growing up in Alcoholics Anonymous one day at time, one step at a time, making plans, trusting god and going for it since June 20 2001. You see everything that I have and everything that I am is a direct result of my association with Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was born into an alcoholic home. Both my parents drank and used. They were Emotional unavailable, Emotional abusive/neglectful. There was Violence in my home. I endured- Physical abuse/ neglect. Sexual Molestation. My home was unsafe and chaotic. We moved a lot. I think usually after 6 mons. Maybe too much rent was overdue. After many years of recovery, I understand today that this disease left both my parents incapable of doing anything differently and I have forgiven them… not because they were doing the best they could but because I have felt all the feelings Anger Pain regarding the treatment I received or lack of and am enjoying the freedom only that forgiveness could produce. The definition of dysfunction is living in pain and that sums up my entire childhood. Alcohol took my childhood. This is certainly not why I drank but it had everything to do with how I felt about myself. I felt defective, unworthy and unlovable. I felt angry, ashamed and most of all…. Under all that anger was pain… I had little regard for myself nor anyone else. I started drinking at 15 yrs. Old. For me this was the solution as I did not have to feel. And the pain was unbearable. It was as if I took a drink and the drink took me .I was a daily drinker. I drank to get drunk. Black Out drinking. A bar drinker. While under the influence of alcohol anything could and did happen. I have had two DWI s. I was discharged from the United States Navy for other than honorable conditions (all around my drinking or lack of), I have come to in a jail cell with absolutely NO recollection of how I got there. Asking Jailor for details. I have come to in the middle of a murder investigation… that I was prime suspect in… (my only defense to the Police Detectives was that I hadn’t blacked out until way after I had seen him last and changed locations- eight hours of no I didn’t do it…) I have come to in hospital beds having over dosed on alcohol. I have come to in emergency rooms with broken hands wrecked cars. (Mine and others) My best thinking at that time was mental note… don’t do Crown Royal and Ecstasy. Don’t Do Meth Percocet and Tequila. I was consistently tossed into jail- to the tune of some 40 times before leaving my twenties… then twice a year every year after that whether I needed it or not. I actually escaped the brig in Florida while in the United States, Navy (I needed a drink). People were shooting at me at close range. And missing as I goaded them. I spent a lot of time and money paying attorneys and probation fees. I just wasn’t capable of linking my drinking to any of these consequences. I just thought it was bad luck. I had a high profile. The police were picking on me. It was their fault or her fault. Always your fault. Heavy price to pay but worth it somehow. All I knew was how to survive in pain. I had been to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 17. It was suggested to me then I might have a problem with my drinking. I came in and out of AA many times in those 20 something years. I could stay sober a week a few days…. I just couldn’t get it. I once stayed sober one day short of 90 days but it was on a count of incarceration. I came into the program in June of 2001 in the late stages of alcoholism… I did not for one minute think I could get Sober. As I had come in all those times before. In fact, I knew I could not. I remember sitting in back row at meetings thinking,” It would sure be great if you all would stop regurgitating the big book and just tell me how to get Sober”. Give me the Secret.!!! What I did not know then and I know with certainty now is…. The Secret…. If you are a newcomer and you can read this now….. I want to share with you the Secret. I went to a meeting every day. I did not drink just for today. I got a sponsor and I worked these steps. This was and is the Secret!!
My commitment then as it now is…. No matter what happens today. I will not drink. Its just not an option. And No matter what HAS happened. I have not had to take a drink and neither do you. My feeling regarding long drunk a logs are this….. We all know how to drink…. Or we wouldn’t be here… I know of no one that aspires to be a member of AA, even in good standing of Alcoholics. Coffee isn’t that good. What I do know is These Steps have changed my life. They are a guide to living and combined with the tools. You and Me… We can get through anything.
1 We admitted we were Powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
The thing about I love- love- love about this step is the first word in the first step is WE… it means I never have to do anything alone again if I don’t want to. Alcoholism is an isolator it is an equal opportunity annihilator.…. It wants to get me alone….It wants to tell me and make me believe: I don’t matter… Im defective, unworthy unlovable, I’ll never amount to anything…. It wants to kill me.
Id been admitting I was an alcoholic on bar stools and As I sat drinking on tailgates with some of Americas Most Wanted for years. It was when I accepted it… and surrendered. (Surrendered to Win… which was laughable to me in the beginning. MINd you I had a biker Texan mentality) Surrender… Right!?!
WE- the first word in the first step has walked me thru two broken AA love relationships. (Those Poor Girls) We walked me thru the death of my dog… who was run over and killed by a car right in front of me. I ran home and told my sober roommate then took off running distraught called my sponsor and… Before I returned home there were 5 people from AA sitting on my porch crying. I said why are you crying you did not loose your dog? They said but WE have dogs and understand your pain. We was when at 2 something in the morning I found myself at the hospital, having been called by my mother’s husband to tell me my mother was in hospital and had been transported by helicopter. She had been revived in route and I should go there now. Upon arrival I met my sister and my mom s husband. We were escorted into a private waiting area. Which was surely not good. I love to tell myself scary stories and this was no exception. Why the private area. Were We about to learn my mother did not make it … that she was dead. After a really long time.. of waiting the nurse finally came to tell us she was stable and we could see her. When we entered the room in the ER My mom was tracheid… she was catatonic in that her eyes were open staring at the ceiling and no one was home. There were empty medical supply packages all about the floor. My sister and mom s husband immediately went to her and touched her. I remember feeling my knees begin to buckle. We had been talking about having coffee earlier. I couldn’t see my mother like that …. Instinctively I knew to run and that was what I did all the way to a nearby convenience store and called my sponsor. I woke her and told her what was going on. We talked about how I wanted to show up for my family and my mother. We never have to do anything again alone if we don’t want to. After a refresher course in AA fundamentals and tools. I was able to compose myself, get coffee for us all and return. WE was when my sister and I lost my mother to Cancer a few years later and many people in this program had lost theirs. I understood that WE could walk through these things and anything else together with dignity and grace. We talk about Reservations in our recovery. My only reservation in my early recovery was that I could stay sober as long as nothing ever happened to my mother. By the Grace of God and the awesome examples and support in Alcoholics Anonymous, We were able to walk through the death of my mother.
The unmanageability was always there. Seems I was addicted to the chaos. It was an auto pilot setting. I was a bar drinker and could in the end only afford that. All my money went to alcohol. Relationships none of them were good. I was estranged from everything except booze. When it came to women I dated cars. I took hostages based on what she drove. A BMW, A Fiero, A Volvo. I was a liar, a cheater, a manipulator a jerk. Once I dated a Volkswagen Jetta… I think that was true love.
The Principle behind this step is Honesty…… Wow!! Here s the thing… You told me that I may be able to get sober but I wouldn’t be able to stay sober unless I was honest
2 Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I had a spiritual awakening on 6/19 in a bar. (Where else would god find me?) I had been drinking and recreationally using drugs since 6 am. I had an awakening in that I realized I had not been to jail in over a year and was overdue. That something really bad was about to happen… I could feel it to my core. Alcohol had not been working for a long time. Problem was I could not drink or mix a sundry other thing in order to Stop feeling. It was a sad and desperate day. A jumping off place for sure. In this moment I realized all the problems, heart ache, broken promises, broken relationships, legal issues, ……. Were all consequences of my drinking. The moment of clarity? I actually pushed the bottle back to bar tender and said Im done. My friends ahhh yes friends (later turned out drinking buddies as my bestie got with my girl two months after I got Sober… which resulted in the first of two restraining orders I received Sober). My friends, naturally thought I meant for the day. I detoxed alone in my 16-foot travel trailer (parked on job site so I could have free power and water… bar drinking is expensive.) for the next three days. I was blessed in that my detox did not include snakes’ devils’ demons or blood etc. But rather Crucifixes and warriors for Christ. The light and honor/integrity. All of which was new to me as Id had no religious/ spiritual training and knew nothing of honor or integrity. I pleaded with the god of my non understanding that I would do anything be anything at all… to work exclusively for the source if he would relieve me of drinking. “Be careful if you are new at this” as he has taken me up on this and he has one hell of a sense of humor. Thus the 4 half way houses I am responsible for in Phoenix,AZ….but we ll get to that.. I took myself to a meeting three days into detox as I knew I was looking good. Ahhh the Vanity…. I was in the late stages of alcoholism at my arrival as reported to me later.. Alcohol is a Liar.
I met with a woman who was to become 1st sponsor on that third day into detox at an AA meeting. Down the street at Lambda. She was speaking and I reluctantly approached her afterward and asked if she knew someone that I knew. She said no and as I turned to walk away she said but hey… what’s your story? I immediately went into telling her how Id been to meetings on and off for 20 something years and could not get sober. I again tried to turn and walk away… she said…. Hey Have you ever worked a 4th Step? I said no. She said well that s it, that’s why you haven’t been able to stay sober… you want to go get some coffee? She was 19 years Sober then.. as I hope to be in June. She was a Nazi sponsor out of Hollywood California. I don’t know is that the pacific group? She was actually really mean and a lesbian dyke. but the thing was she did not find me cute nor funny. She wasn’t willing to play games she understood this disease. She and I set about the business of building a foundation for me to build my life a sober life. The foundation we built through the steps. She talked about the floors of a large house Id be able to erect on top of a solid foundation. The steps were the foundation.. She used a lot of analogy’s and parables I often had absolutely No idea what she was talking about. Sometimes she was nice to me calling me boobie always taking my calls.. She once told me a story of calling her own sponsor in her own early recovery .. Her Life was was feeling too big and Saying to her sponsor that she wanted to drink and her sponsor said drink bitch and hung up the phone. She did not drink however, I quickly realized I was in very serious company , my lineage did not play games. I thought well I didn’t like my whiskey watered down? Why would I want my AA watered down? At that time I found or was lead to exactly what I needed at that time as with so many other times.
Hope is the Spiritual Principal behind Step 2 What I know beyond A Shadow of doubt is this…. I came into this program with NO hope. I felt hopeless, defective, worthless, unlovable . Every feeling I had as a Child was right here… no alcohol to numb it…. Right here….But because the Nazi and I talked the same language…. Mostly profanity… and we had many same experiences with alcohol and felt the same way coming in to program I could hear her….. I didn’t believe I could do this. But… I Believed that She believed I could do this… get sober…. This is hope and that is what I gained here in AA . Alcoholics Anonymous has the number 1 Success Rate.
3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god,
as we understood god.
This was not hard for me to do as I was finally desperate… You’ve heard the gift of desperation? Alcohol Stopped Working for me. There was NO Relief from the Feelings. No control of what I may or may not do. Nothing to loose. The decision was easy. No fight left. Then there’s the part of trying to figure out what gods will for me is…..uh oh… I know what it isn’t. And that makes for a terrific start. More often than not to this day… I will run a situation past my sponsor or trusted friend and say. I just don’t know if this is gods will for me and they ll respond I don’t understand what part you don’t get…. Always good to have people around that are less emotional attached to your life than you are. Gods Will for me has proven over and over again that his will is so much better than mine. The simple 3rd step prayer has has taken me so many places that guys like me can not go. My faith has gone from a blind faith to just my constant experience. Gods got it no matter what. I am the founder and executive director of a non profit organization that houses homeless recovering alcoholic addicts. We specialize in exceptionally vulnerable populations. The co-occurring transgender populations, suboxene and methadone population. We do what no others are willing to do. We do it because we believe these steps change lives. We know that anyone willing to do this deal has a shot at a new life… one that by having a relationship with a higher power we know has no bounds. If an angry drunken biker Texan like me can get sober anyone can. I believe this is what my higher power has taken me up on in my early days of commitment.He added compassion, empathy, brotherly love into a tin man. I have had House Managers with Clean Time return to drinking and using. This one in particular ended up with abscesses from shooting up. She spent a very long time in the hospital as she had to have both arms and legs amputated from infection. Another that burned to death in a house fire under the influence. ( I don’t know why I write these stories other than they are true…I don’t know one Alcoholic that’s ever stayed sober from stories like these.) On the other hand I can tell you lots and lots of very positive stories about Women who have gotten their children back after being told it would never happen. College Graduates: that started first with a GED. Felons working with Children, in hospitals, in any and all the places they were cast out of. God can will and does make” a way out of no way”.
Faith is the principal behind Step 3 .I was taught to pray twice a day. Once in morning asking HP to keep me sober that day and to be in his will…. Once at nite to thank the power. I did not believe this would relieve my alcoholism. I did it any way. I didn’t want to go to an AA meeting everyday, I did it anyway.I sure didn’t want to fellowship or go to AA parties in my early recovery. (There was no keg there). I went any way. I didn’t want to share in meetings … I did it anyway. I didn’t want to make coffee, get other peoples phone numbers, nor thank speakers… especially the ones that took way to long in their pitch to get sober. I did it anyway. What I have learned is this…. I cannot think my way into behaving differently I must behave my way into thinking differently. These Steps have been my spiral staircase from the depths of Hell and certain death. They Work. They Really Work. If I do.
(To check out a meeting see the zoom schedule here.)