I Know a New Freedom
My name is Gustavo and I was born in 1953 in Managua, Nicaragua. My memories of the country of my birth are few, more like glimpses of the past, some clear and others murky. Our home was not a happy home as my father was an alcoholic. He was an angry mean drunk who believed that men should be tough, even with their families. He was a womanizer and his presence in our home was more like that of a disciplinarian than a husband or father. I have no loving memories of my father. My mother on the other hand was very loving, she did the best she could to take care of me. She was a very beautiful young woman who just happened to fall in love with the wrong man. The more vivid memories I have of them involve them fighting and yelling at each other. These times were traumatic for me as a young child. I mostly remember being very scared.
I don’t know how long my parents were married but I was four years old when my mother had finally had enough. She applied for a divorce and became determined to find us a better life. With help from family in the US we immigrated to the States when I was four years old. We moved into my aunt’s 3 room, in-law apartment where the ceilings did not even reach 7 feet. It was small and very crowded but we were safe.
My mother struggled with a few relationships in life that always ended poorly. As a result of one of these relationships, my little sister was born when I was 6 years old. Her father was also alcoholic and he ran from his responsibilities and abandoned her. It was just the three of us from then on. As the years passed, my mother was able to find work as a pantry chef in a large hotel in San Francisco. Mom had to work the late shift which meant she didn’t come home until the early hours of the morning. She had to leave for work just before I would get home from school and would come home after we were asleep. I hardly saw her during the week. Her income was not enough to cover the cost of childcare, so we were left alone. At twelve years old I became the head of the house. I learned to cook, clean, and do laundry. I took care of my little sister who was 6 years old at the time.
Looking back now it’s hard to believe that at such a young age I had so much responsibility. Without a mother or father around I had to learn how to do things on my own. I took my job very seriously and became obsessive about my responsibilities. It was the start of my life as a caretaker. It certainly is not that my mother didn’t care for us, she was just not around. It is how I learned to take care of others before thinking about my own needs.
I tried to do my best at everything I laid my hands on, including school. These experiences affected me for the rest of my life. At twelve years old I was becoming obsessive about my responsibilities. A very independent perfectionist at everything I did. I couldn’t depend on anyone else so I learned to do everything on my own. At the same time there was a scared little boy hiding under all this behavior. The fear of us being left alone made me compulsive about locking doors and windows before bed. I would check on my sister constantly after she fell asleep, making sure she was still breathing. I was given an old WWII bayonet as a keepsake from a young friend who had probably stolen it. It was a heavy dull but sharply pointed 12-inch knife. I kept this under my pillow and fell asleep with both hands clutching it every night. I felt it was my responsibility to protect us anyway I could think of. Anxiety and fear would play major roles in my life as well as obsessive compulsive behaviors. I pretended to need no one and worked hard at doing things on my own. In school I was driven to succeed with no help from others.
My perfectionism made me very financially successful in business. As a young man I married and had four wonderful children. Early in my marriage my beautiful wife admitted she was an alcoholic. It led her on a path to recovery and today she has nearly 30 years of sobriety. It was her courage and example that opened the door to finding my own path of recovery.
One day my children came to me saying that they really didn’t know who I was. I struggled to understand them and it sent me on a mission of self-discovery. I realized that I had been so very guarded and reluctant to reveal my real self with anyone. I could not be vulnerable because others might see that I was a flawed human being, not so perfect after all. Needing so desperately to connect with my children, my Al Anon sponsor advised me to write my story. This amazing experience led me to sharing it with my wife and children. I shared from my heart, unafraid to be vulnerable and it opened the door to make amends. This experience is what eventually led me to Co-Dependents Anonymous.
The 12 steps of CoDA have given me the insight to see who I really am and why I developed self-destructive behaviors. I had to first admit I was powerless over people, places, and things. I had to admit that the only power I had was over myself. I have surrendered to God and with that, all my character defects. I am working the steps to find a lasting peace and recovery. I am very far from perfect and I no longer strive to be. I am making progress thanks to my program and sponsor. I am very grateful for the greatest gift of this program, that is to know myself. My strength now comes from being vulnerable and sharing in meetings. I don’t have to hide my flaws or pretend to be the hero. I find help from listening to others share their stories and with working with my sponsor.
I now better understand myself because I understand the effects of codependency in my life. I can look back with compassion at the scared little child who tried to control everything in order to not be anything like his alcoholic father. It is why I accepted my place as a caregiver, why fear drove me to perfectionism, and why I was willing to take on huge responsibility because I could not rely on anyone else. It is why I am self-taught and driven and why I developed obsessive compulsive behaviors from my own anxieties and need to control. I am learning to face my character defects and that knowledge is the very beginning of my recovery. I am learning the importance of living in the moment and letting go of my obsessions. It is a program of progress not perfection. As my sponsor says this about his own shortcomings, “I still go there at times but I just don’t stay as long…”
I now start my day with prayer and meditation. My prayers are much simpler these days because I have finally found the answer to the question I could never answer before coming to CoDA – What is it that I really want? It is simply the freedom from my obsessions and character defects. The strength to be vulnerable, the courage to let go of control, the wisdom to set boundaries, and the love and acceptance of self. I read this prayer every day to remind myself of what is truly important…
CoDA Third Step Prayer
God, I give to You all that I am and all that I will be for Your healing and direction. Make new this day as I release all my worries and fears, knowing that You are by my side. Please help me to open myself to Your love, to allow Your love to heal my wounds, and to allow Your love to flow through me and from me to those around me. May Your will be done this day and always. Amen.
Gustavo S.
CoDA Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, México
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