It will Always Materialize if we work for it…
Hi, my name is Marc and I am a grateful member of the 12-step programs based on AA’s 12X12. My story begins when I was very young and wanted to fill up on food (I weighed 35lbs at one year old). Then at 10 I started smoking to feel important, and at 16 I joined my friends in using drugs and alcohol. It was fun being goofy, laughing a lot, lightheaded, carefree, optimistic and excited. I was always a relaxed and positive-minded guy, but it was the substances that helped me to maintain that same feeling throughout adolescence and adulthood, with their increasing pressures and problems.
At 19 the girl I had been dating for three years got pregnant and so, I did the right thing—I got married!
By 23 I had three wonderful and healthy children, but I also got high, drunk, and argued with my wife every day. I never missed a day’s work, and I never missed a day not drinking and drugging (pot) myself into oblivion from 5pm to about midnight. This went on for the next 12 years.
I completed many self-development courses and worked closely with mental professionals and marriage counselors to see if it was possible to stay in my relationship and not disrupt the family. The consensus was, “get a divorce or die a frustrated, loveless life.” I arranged to take the kids with me (at that time aged 12, 11 and 9), and give them a peaceful happy home. It was a good choice and we all were happy, but I still drank and smoked for to help mellowed my feelings and increase my creativity (so I thought)
I had always had an HP, and felt protected by him/it. I figured it was because I always “did the right thing(s)” in life. You know, marry the first person you have sex with, never cheat, steal or lie, pay your bills, care for your kids, honor your parents, etc.—basic Ten Commandment stuff.
This gave me the feeling that I was untouchable by the law or society. I drove drunk (many times one-eye-closed-wasted drunk) every day, but I was never arrested, I never had blackouts, I didn’t get into fights, and had lots of good friends and all of life’s comforts. Drinking and drugging was my relaxation, not my problem.
One day as I was getting ready to drive home with my daughter from a friend’s party, wasted again, I heard a voice, loud and clear. It said: That’s it, we are not going to watch you anymore. If you get into that car, you are going to get popped [arrested]. Those were the days of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers). They brought in new legislation requiring that any person arrested for drunk driving was to spend a mandatory 30 days in the county prison without parole, plus $4000 in fines and fees. At that time, and as the only parent and breadwinner in the house, I didn’t even have $4000 in the bank.
I asked my daughter if we could stay the night at my friend’s house, something I had never done before, but she was not keen on the idea. So, for the first time in my life, I called a cab!
The next day I was drunk again by nightfall and I heard the same exact voice and message. I was really upset that the rules and liberties in my life were being changed and the worst part was I had to pay for a cab AGAIN!
I actually entertained the idea of driving and letting them arrest me. I felt sure the press and the public would be on my side in the face of such a miscarriage of justice. Then, with what I’d learnt in prison, I would start a life of crime to get back at the system for incarcerating me and sending my kids to foster homes. “I’ll show those Bastards,” I thought. Then, thank Gd, I had a moment of clarity—this was my fork in the road—become a hardened criminal or call my hairdresser who had just mentioned she had started going to AA. Hum!
I figured I would call the cab and call my hairdresser in the morning. She answered my call, and asked if I wanted to go to a meeting that evening. I told her that I was not a real alcoholic, but I appreciated what I’d heard about AA and thus had an academic interest. However, I did need a solution to my main pressing problem as I saw it: I could not drink and drive anymore, and I needed to drive. Drinking, for the first time in my mind, had now become a problem.
After the meeting she asked if I’d liked what I’d heard and if I wanted to go to another meeting the next evening. “Sure,” I said. “Nice enough people, coffee and donuts, and I can’t drink and drive anyway.” But after my second meeting and hearing shares from people with three days to 30 years, I already knew this was not a quick-fix deal. So, I made a deal with Gd. Deal was: If I go to one of these meetings at least once week, for the rest of my life, you must take that obsession/desire to drink away. The reason I asked for the removal of the mental obsession was that for the last 14 years I had woken up every morning saying that I was not going to drink anymore, yet by 5pm that same day I would stop in at the store for my drink without any thought of my earlier commitment, and then drink again until I passed out that night. I also include a caveat: That if he didn’t take away that crazy thinking, I would not be able to white-knuckle it, and that he and I would just have to accept my life being ruined by drinking and driving, and all the criminal consequences that came with it. I suppose I was saying I will do my share, but you have to do yours—remove my obsession please!
Well, I have never missed a week in 25 years, and have never had to white-knuckle a craving for a drink. I became a non-drinker, and reaped all the benefits of more time, clearer thinking and money saved. I was doing very well, and with the kids now all out of the house, I was ready to explore more of life as a single and successful sober man. I fell in love a few times, and there was one I decided to marry. As with my first wife, we would also do things on a grand scale: there was big fun and also big fights. My insecurity said she wanted a better man than me, and that finally came true as she did leave. I was devastated, and it was recommended to me that I attend an Al-Anon meeting. I loved Al-Anon because I it was there that I learned that neglect is abuse, and that answered why I had so much pain—I was a victim of abuse. However, it turns out that I was wrong about the source of abuse by neglect. I was sure it was because she neglected me for two years, but Al-Anon showed me that I had neglected me for two years. That was my first inkling that I had co-dependency issues.
Well, there I was, a single man again, with kids who were great and doing well in their careers and lives. But I had become a brokenhearted man living alone (in Maui), weighing a big kahuna 270 pounds, and having a hard time climbing stairs. My sponsor asked me not to date for one year. During that time a friend shared the FA program with me (Food Addicts in Recovery), and after nine months of regimented work around my food, I got to my ideal weight. I kept working and enjoying that program for seven more healthy years.
So now I was one of those “triple winners:” AA, Al-Anon, and FA I’d also been running a successful business, and I was offered a buyout. This buyout left me with a lot of money and a three-year non-compete agreement. This meant that I had no job and lots of time on my hands. Sounds and was good. I still went to all my meetings and enjoyed my healthy life.
Next up I was offered a consulting job in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I am fluent in Spanish as I have a Mexican mother, and I had memories of visiting my grandparents every year in Mexico, playing with the Mexican kids and having so much fun. Mexico is full of wonderful people with wonderful hearts and traditions. Accepting this position was a no-brainer. I accepted the 30-day offer, and I have lived here ever since (12 years now). I was still single, and still believed in the institution of marriage, or at least the idea that nature intended me to have a loving partner in a committed relationship. My kids were all in stable relationships and I had six wonderful grandkids. It all looked and felt like I had done well, and I had, except for solving this intimate- relationship problem. I had had many wonderful women in my life, but a great relationship with a significant other was something I just didn’t seem able to master. I got married again, to a wonderful woman, and I figured I had finally made a good choice. However, over the five years I spent with her I gained all my weight back and fell right back into my old insecurities and negative self-images.
I finally examined the reasons for what I now saw as the failure of my lifelong quest for a great relationship. It was based on me not able to control my emotions. My AA and Al-Anon programs helped me to be a 85% honest, stable, happy go lucky, generous loving guy but I still would battle with an 15% angry, insecure, out of my control guy, and I couldn’t hide it anymore. I attended a CoDA meeting and immediately saw that I was co-dependent. If she was OK, I was OK. If she wasn’t OK then I wasn’t OK. Now I was maybe an 85% perfect husband and great guy, plus a 15% fearful, jealous, insecure, and accusatory ass. Well, they say the assholes get the attention, and the wife politely asked me to leave too. Luckily, I had the CoDA program to help me take all those feelings and process them. The other programs helped me look honestly at how I was acting and take responsibility for it—but why was I still acting out after all these years in recovery? In CoDA I was asked to listen carefully to those voices and document my feelings rather than my thoughts or beliefs. My CoDA sponsor asked me to feel the pain, and live the fear.
It turns out that my feelings came from an alter ego/inner child I was not aware of, and my adult was not even in the game when I would have these emotional outbursts. Yes, I had developed a lot of tools and supports from my other programs, but I just didn’t know what the problem was when it came to my relationships. The problem was that I had a spiritual dilemma: I, my hurt/scared inner child, along with my rebellious angry teenager, were running part of the emotional show in my relationships, and rather than feel I attempted to cover my fears with avoidance (attempts not to feel), which included tactics like going to great restaurants, buying new expensive toys, making more money, going on more vacations, shopping, sex, etc. All of those things can be good, but not at the expense of ignoring my inner self who was begging for attention.
Those were my distractions, and my avoiding of the real problem. The reason I looked to food, alcohol, and drugs was inner pain, insecurity, fear of not being good enough, and abandonment—issues that had been there my whole life. Now I have some new tools. Feel it all and be 100% there to hear the fear. Pray, meditate and journal with one intention—to hear and feel the fear and trust with Gd’s help and the program that I can enjoy the promise of knowing a new love and acceptance of myself and others.
These days I can let others have their feelings and not feel responsible for them or their problems. It’s about me liking me and not worrying about others liking me. I can laugh at myself instead of getting angry with others. I was told by my sponsor that it is never about that other person; it is always about me. Hopefully I can get my metrics to 98.8% good loving man, and 1.2 % ass (because nature gave all of us one of those and perfection is not the goal). I do not regret the past nor do I wish to close the door on it. On the contrary, looking at and feeling everything is my saving grace. Now I feel like I’ve found a solution. I look forward to living life now, not just surviving. Thank you for letting me share.
Yours truly in life and spirt,
Marc ☺,
Quadruple Winner
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