Hi friends I’m Nadine. I’m alcoholic. That word and that truth no longer hold the power they once did. The word was used by myself and others for years before I ever knew what it really meant. Initially it held shame and brought a sense of pity to those it was directed to, indicating a pathetic existence. I used it for years in regards to myself, without ever truly giving thought to what it meant for me.
I came in and out of the rooms almost 20 years, baffled, wondering why I couldn’t get my proverbial shit together. I had the 2 symptoms yet couldn’t tell you what they were. Nor was I clear on the difference between the mental obsession and the mental insanity. I also, for the life of me, could not figure out what God had to do with it all. Even with all my time in and out.
Some of the most dangerous phrases to me in the beginning were
” take what you want and leave the rest”
” the only step you need to do thoroughly is step 1″
“think, think, think ”
and my most favorite of all time “to thine own self be true”.
For me, the last one represented my self will running riot.. I had some work to do before that one made any sense.
2- My thinking was so distorted, it literally hurt my brain to think, it was more important I listened.
3- I needed to follow the instructions as they were laid out, no more picking and choosing for me.. and
4- once I had truly completed my step 1 it was crucial I continued with 2-12 if I was to live.
Now back to God– you see I’m not only a recovering alcoholic, I’m a recovering catholic. By that I mean I had strong, fixed beliefs based upon experiences throughout my life in regards to God and religion.
So… alcoholic, catholic.. with a tendency towards homicidal fantasies (which ultimately became suicidal), who had a history including childhood abuse, multiple sexual assaults and sex work in my adult years. I was confronted with mental and emotional disorders as well, as many of us are.
Despite the trauma in my life which held physically in my body, my way of thinking has proven to be my greatest hindrance to my well being, primarily my spiritual growth.
After many attempts to STAY sober, I had managed to live through another beating by alcohol and drugs. My life was blowing up. I had tried all the ways and all the things to be sober. I knew stopping drinking wasn’t enough. I had done that repeatedly.. what I hadn’t done was go through the process to heal. I was so painfully aware that my emotionality and mental processes were sucking ANY life I had, right out of me.
I knew in my bones I wanted to heal and for a moment I became open enough to receive the priceless gifts of clarity, desperation, humility and willingness, simultaneously. I knew for the first time I couldn’t do it alone, for the first time I didn’t want to. I also believed AA could help. I wasn’t wrong.
When I finally arrived I was so overwhelmed, I didn’t know where to begin to unpack!! Yet, similarly with all things, it’s not how you begin, it simply matters that you do.
Early recovery was hard for me, it has always been. After the initial 2-3 week sober period my body is thinking this is great, we feel great, life is great….then my mind starts kicking up dirt. Its why its so stressed to newcomers to get into the solution immediately. Resentments have eaten a lot of joy from my existence, at the end of the day they are a luxury I cannot afford. Me, angry, holding a grudge, comparing and competing go together like pb&j. They keep me pointing fingers and are a well known tactic I use, to not look at my part. Self righteousness is ugly and means my disease is alive and well. They have become early warning signs that my spiritual fitness is suffering. *Note to self- the more entitled I feel I am to receiving an apology, the more imperative it becomes that I give one*
I was having black out panic attacks, paranoid, seeing things, terrified to go out or be home alone. It was debilitating, nightmares, mean, malicious thoughts running through my mind eating the next one…over and over. Relentless. Unbearable. Desperate once more, AND SOBER, I asked for help, from my sponsor. Who relentlessly led me back to the solution. Spiritual Growth, through prayer and meditation, vigilance in the application of principles…conscious contact.
Defeated and confronting the reality that there is no human power, I fell apart and wept in honest prayer. For the first time I asked to be filled with love and light. I gave all my rage and fear up, asking only for what I need to be well. The presence I felt was palpable. I was comforted, I found some ease in that moment.
Perseverance is a word I heard in a meeting in early recovery. I’ve held it close to my heart since those days. If I persevere in taking action to support my recovery, I am guaranteed to find golden nuggets of grace in all of it. Learning to persevere, to continue to move forward no matter what has been THE greatest gift, for it is in those times that my spiritual growth has been exponential.
I continued showing up to meetings, for my self, and people kept showing up in my life. People that related, people that helped, people that taught me, connected me to others, to groups, counsellors, classes, workshops, book studies etc. I was mortified by my rage and shame. I could barely look at it, yet every time I shared with my sponsor and step sisters they held their collective ground and reflected back love and truth. I was witnessed by my tribe and gently walked out the other side.
Today I know a miracle as a shift in perception- I have experienced a true miracle. Today I trust in the power of prayer, I use meditation as a tool to connect to my body, to regulate my override system and to listen to that intuitive guidance. I believe in good, I see beauty, I love vulnerability, I experience joy and I don’t need to run from my sadness. Through this program I have a design for living that has worked in all conditions.
My recovery has been a long road of reconstruction as they say, I still contribute to my own suffering at times but my tolerance for my own bullshit is low. I seek the light, I seek joy. I can soften around the many discomforts of life and love myself for the bravery it takes to show up. In my experience, having a God in my life doesn’t save me from the human condition or from having to live life on lifes terms. In recovery I have walked through crushing despair, unfathomable loss and the pressing absence of loved ones. At first it feels like the energy from the thoughts and feelings cant possibly fit inside this little body. it’s the worst come down times a thousand. It felt like I was trying to squeeze into shoes that were 2 sizes too small. I felt the grippings of fear for my sanity. Yet with the practice of turning to source, the practice of showing up, the practice of allowing the pause before lighting the match, there was room for God. For grace. One day it no longer felt like it didn’t fit, like I couldn’t hold it together, I felt myself growing, my spiritual skin stretched. I literally was aware of the sensation of becoming a bigger person. I am walking with dignity, in wisdom and that is a direct result of working this program.
This program offers empowerment, spiritual empowerment… which is more than my own resiliency. With my own ability to be a glutton for the punishment life can doll out, today with grace, I see it all as opportunity for growth, to get closer to my HP, to free myself of false sources that fundamentally leave me depleted. With these principles as guides I get to show up for others, my family, I get to extend love and kindness, I can allow it in too. With having developed a practice of prayer and meditation I can direct my thinking to be influenced by faith, not motivated by fear. I have habits and behaviours that bring peace and ease. I am able to make choices, I can choose wisely and I do. For the most part!
This hasn’t been a straight line for me but it has been steady progress. | continue to grow along spiritual lines. I seek spiritual empowerment over special status. These are miracles of the program. I am grateful, I am beholden to AA. It has given me a life of freedom from my own mental and emotional bondage. It has taught me how to Love this “being human”.
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Right on. Good show.